At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I want to fling myself into the sun
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
