Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
