i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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