Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
