Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
