Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
