I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
