3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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