This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
