Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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