and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I deserve this hangover.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
