awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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