"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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