and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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