What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
