we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
