If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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