with your own penis?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i dont even know how to be here
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
