just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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