onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize