dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
