everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Randomize