I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
