Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
