i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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