i wish my penis had a tongue
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Boobs are out for the taking
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize