I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
