He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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