Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
