Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
