Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
