The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
