today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
