I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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