I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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