then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
