Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
