i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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