Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
