im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
