I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
