we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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