My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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