took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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