I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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