Im at strip club and am horny
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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