Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
