my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
