Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
