he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
