i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
