turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
