Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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