We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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