Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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