hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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