I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
