Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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