Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
