Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
