At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
